Why You Suck at Diving

I was going to begin this article by stating, “You know who you are”, but the truth is you don’t. So let me say this instead---I’m on to you. Your gig is up, and we won’t tolerate your suckiness any longer.

How do you know if you’re a sucky diver? Let me tell you.

  • You only care about stats. How many dives you have, how many certifications you have, how long your dives are. These are the things the sucky diver cares most about. Meanwhile, all the good divers pity them for having 1000 pointless dives.
  • You are obsessed with gear. Sucky divers often have the newest gear available. They don’t know how it works, but they sure can tell you all the features it sports.
  • You kick stuff. People, coral, yourself. Sucky divers like to kick, and they kick hard. You are completely in your own world, and when you open your eyes you’ll find that’s exactly where you are, after all the coral you’ve killed.
  • You dive without a plan, then complain about your dives. When you, the sucky diver, dives, you have no plan or intention on what you want out of the dive. Yet you’re the first to start complaining about how bad the dive was, or, more likely, how much better “some other place” is than where you are now.
  • You’re a terrible buddy. Not concerned with planning, going over signals, or paying attention to your buddy’s needs, the sucky diver is one nobody wants as a buddy. The sucky diver is fine with this, since in their mind they don’t believe they even need a buddy.
  • You move with the grace of a drowning cow. When everyone else was studying their dive leaders and instructors, trying to learn how to move as one with the water, the sucky diver was too busy wondering if their BCD matches their wetsuit.
  • You scare fish. If anyone sees a cool fish or creature, you come barreling through like a torpedo with a broken navigation system. In your mind, you deserve a front row seat because of your \$10,000 underwater photography setup you don’t know how to use. Instead, you end up scaring everything away so no one else can enjoy it. Thanks a lot, jerk.
  • You kill my buzz. I get a “high” from diving that usually lasts a while, yet as soon as I hear you talking I’m as sober as the Pope in mass.
  • You put people in danger. At the end of the day, your lack of knowledge puts people in unnecessary danger. This includes your behavior on the dive boat, where you leave gear strewn about, to underwater where you move around obliviously.

I don’t think anyone wants to be a sucky diver (at least I would hope not). The good news is that it’s easy to not be a sucky diver, or at least to be a significantly less sucky diver. We’ll talk more about that next week.